I don't remember my first bike. I don't remember the first time I saw a football game. I don't even remember the first time my father sodomized me. But I do remember the first time I saw a kid stick a tampon up his nose to stop it from bleeding:
Paul Middleton in
Turkey Bowl IV. After a one year hiatus, Paul returns for
Turkey Bowl VI. Quite exciting, don't you think? Well it only gets better. . .
As the Turkey Bowl's official PR man and reporter/writer, not to mention participant, I,
Chris Crooks, was fortunate enough to sit down with Daily Times' reporter extraordinaire John Lohn and discuss this year's battle. After much anticipation, John and I present you with our preview:
Episode VI: Return of the Bloody Tampon.
OLD SCHOOL
The defending champions return everyone from last year's squad. Leading the Old School Butt-Buddies into battle will be team captain and last year's MVP
Keith Cottom.
Dougherty
"Cottom is a house. At 5'11" and 240lbs he could force sodomy on a 300lb African Baboon" commented John Lohn. How could anyone disagree? Cottom will be a force to reckon with. He will be playing line on both defense and offense, and looking to reak havoc upon
New School QB Mike Trill. Playing behind Cottom will be QB and Safety
Tim Dougherty (no relation to
Shannen). Tim has been a sound passer over the years. Under the tootalidge of Fat Don, Tim's older brother and mentor, Dougherty has become quite an offensive threat.
At the reciever and coverage positions Old School sports a solid core in
Matt Marcelli,
Chris Crooks,
Rich DiNofia,
Bill Pohlig. These four cats have been dubbed "The Four Horsemen of the Bars Topless" by Turkey Bowl fans. Marcelli, the tallest of the recievers at 6'0", is Dougherty's wetdream when it comes to jump balls in the end zone, while Pohlig is regarded as one of the best short game recievers of his time.
| Ratings |
| Offense: | 8/10 |
| Defense: | 7/10 |
"Have you ever seen Marcelli jump? It looks like a retarded boy trying to get a basketball rebound," Lohn commented. Crooks and DiNofia round off the D-Back and Recieving line-up. These two are better known for the defensive accolades. DiNofia is the career interceptions leader, while Crooks accounts for Old School's speed. Cottom will be handling punting duties, while Crooks will take on the return job.
NEW SCHOOL
The Turkey Bowl IV champs, the New School Thunder Monkeys, bring back five of last year's players, while seeing the return of
Paul Middleton.
Hart
It's hard to distinguish who will be New School's team leader being that they have a number of players capable of making big plays. Serving as both offensive and defensive lineman will be
John Hart. Hart, who is rumored to have slimmed down and put on more muscle, will be a worthy adversary for Keith Cottom. "Hart has been hitting the gym hard. His bench has increased 50lbs and his squat 75lbs," noted Lohn. In the pocket and at safety will be
Mike Trill. Trill, who is known for his scrambling ability, could make a strong bid for MVP this year if he plays to his ability. Pressure will be the key to stopping him.
New School's top wide receivers
Led by Middleton and
Mark Marcelli, the recievers and D-Backs also include
Joe Doubet and
Sergeant Slaughter.
| Ratings |
| Offense: | 8/10 |
| Defense: | 7/10 |
Middleton and the younger Marcelli brother can make some waves, but many are worried about Paul's recent knee surgery. In the past, Middleton has been the quickest and fastest player on the field with big play capability. Marcelli, on the other hand, possesses above average speed and hands. Sergeant Slaughter, who has recently been extended leave by the USMC for the game, brings a passion unmatched. "He wants to be shot at. End of story," Lohn remarked regarding Sergeant's military career.
THE MATCHUPS (picked by John Lohn)
• Dougherty v. Trill
Analysis: The pocket passer versus the scrambler
Advantage: Even
• Crooks v. Middleton
Analysis: Based on past performances Middleton has Crooks' number, but Middleton's recent surgery could be the equalizer
Advantage: Middleton
• Pohlig v. Doubet
Analysis: Bill gets underneath Doubet's coverage on offense and sticks to him like glue on defense
Advantage: Pohlig
• Marcelli v. Marcelli
Analysis: Matt sports the height and weight, while Mark may take the speed advantage
Advantage: Even
• Cottom v. Hart
Analysis: Cottom is returning MVP
Advantage: Cottom
• Dinofia v. Slaughter
Analysis: "He wants to be shot at. End of story."
Advantage: Slaughter
THE COACHES
• Sean "Horse" Kelly (Old School) v. Bernie "Retiring Ass" Rogers (New School)
Analysis: He'll actually be there, and it's his birthday
Advantage: Sean "Horse" Kelly
LOHN'S PREDICTION
Old School 10, New School 8
Look for Tim Dougherty's crew to give Trill and his boys more than they can handle. Middleton and Mark Marcelli should have good games for New School, but this game will come down to protection. Cottom should handle Hart and give Dougherty the time he needs to make the big plays.
