Turkey Bowl VIII - Theoretical Matchups: Part One
posted Monday November 19th, 2007 by Crooks

Every year I usually write a team comparison based on either individual or position matchups and, quite honestly, it has just gotten pretty damn boring. So this year, to spell the boredom, I decided to, once again, visit the individual v. individual format, but make them off the field matchups that have absolutely nothing to do with the Turkey Bowl. Competitors will be pitted against one another based on physical prowess, then forced to face off in an event in which neither excels at. The best part: I choose the matchups, I choose the events.

THIS WILL BE THE FIRST INSTALLMENT OF THE THEORETICAL MATCHUPS. PART II WILL COME TOMORROW.

Dougherty-Gallagher vs. Crooks
Venue: Space
Activity: Chinese Checkers
Winner: Dougherty-Gallagher
Tim wins this one outright. Imagine him and his Doc Voice: "Crooks, I jumped you. Gimme your piece. You play checkers like trash"

Horse vs. Middleton
Venue: Dan Gallo’s House
Activity: Finishing School
Winner: Horse
Horse wins this one because he finished school and used to hang out with that Neanderthal Dan Gallo.

Sergeant vs. Rayer
Venue: Laspadas
Activity: Wrestling Jimmy
Winner: Sergeant
No way Snapper can keep up with Sergeant when it comes to this. Sergeant spent months in Djibouti doing a lot of this.

Marcelli vs. Marcelli
Venue: Pete's Lunch
Activity: Truck Stocking
Winner: Mark
There is no way Matt can compete with Mark’s Pete’s Lunch Skills. Matt has about as much of a chance of beating Mark here as he does at beating Mike Trill in a Math and Computer Science competition; which is zero.