With Turkey Bowl XIV fast approaching captains Tim “it’s a bad trade for me” Dougherty and Mike “The Real” Trill are pressed to devise a draft-day strategy. The problem, refer back a paragraph, is that neither Trill nor Doc can be definitively sure who will be present for this year’s game. The indecisive nature of the new draft format not only provides complications for captains, but also for me, as I am tasked with creating a mock draft going on speculation alone. Directly do to the previously mentioned wavering atmosphere of the draft, I’ll mock the selections up in two ways: Dealing firstly with those I consider definites or near commitments, then advancing on to the wildcards.
| Turkey Bowl XIV Participants | |
| Regulars | Wildcards |
| Keith Cottom | Tuna Buccella |
| Chris Crooks | PBJ Crooks |
| Rich DiNofia | Jon Hart |
| Ian Hart | Tony Laughlin |
| Sean Kelly | Rob Orio |
| Mark Marcelli | |
| Matt Marcelli | |
| Paul Middleton | |
| Tom Orio | |
| Kevin Rayer | |
| Joe Simcox | |
Now, we can rule out QB needs affecting the first few picks since we’re dealing with two, QB captains. The first pick, or first few picks, will come from personal necessity or preference, directly depending on what each captain values.
In my opinion, the value of linemen has drastically dropped after last year’s move to touch and a one-lineman system. I don’t think that either captain will take a lineman with their first pick, especially since many players rotated through the position in last year’s game. Generally, here’s how I would value the above listed "regulars":
- Ian Hart – Two-time MVP
- Kevin Rayer – Two-time MVP
- Paul Middleton – MVP; dual threat
- Keith Cottom – Pure lineman
- Tom Orio – Pure lineman
- Mark Marcelli – MVP; defensive stalwart
- Matt Marcelli – 12 total TDs
- Chris Crooks – 7 total TDs
- Rich Dinofia - MVP
- Sean Kelly – 1 TD
- Joe Simcox – Willingness to play at any position
(Commissioner's Note: I am assuming Trill wins the "coin toss" and chooses 2nd and 3rd picks)
| Team Doc | Team Trill |
| Ian Hart | Kevin Rayer |
| Keith Cottom | Paul Middleton |
| Mark Marcelli | Tom Orio |
| Chris Crooks | Matt Marcelli |
| Sean Kelly | Rich DiNofia |
| Joe Simcox |
In this case, I would give "Team Trill" the overall advantage, but would and could argue that the teams are fairly evenly matched.
Now, here’s where things get interesting. Let’s take the above values appropriated to the "regulars" and combine them with where I believe the "wildcards" would fall, keeping in mind that the addition of the "wildcards" may directly affect the draft stock of one or more of the "regulars":
- Ian Hart
- Tuna Bucella
- Kevin Rayer
- Paul Middleton
- Keith Cottom
- Rob Orio
- Mark Marcelli
- Matt Marcelli
- John Crooks
- Chris Crooks
- Rich Dinofia
- Tom Orio
- Tony Laughlin
- Jon Hart
- Sean Kelly
- Joe Simcox
| Team Doc | Team Trill |
| Ian Hart | Tuna Bucella |
| Paul Middleton | Kevin Rayer |
| Rob Orio | Keith Cottom |
| Matt Marcelli | Mark Marcelli |
| Chris Crooks | PBJ Crooks |
| Tom Orio | Rich DiNofia |
| Jon Hart | Tony Laughlin |
| Joe Simcox | Sean Kelly |
When it comes down to it, running a one-lineman system with many players willing to rotate, you’ve got to go receiver first, but, when Tuna is on the board, you can’t ignore him; Tuna can throw, catch, block, and tackle. It’s in Tuna’s infiltration of the top 3 picks that things get interesting. The opposing captain, meaning the one who didn’t take Tuna, needs a lineman to counteract, but can’t leave Middleton on the board. I think taking Middleton is the right choice, but you’re going to be scrambling to adjust once Cottom goes next. Enter Rob Orio. Taller and a more athletic than Clifton’s finest, Rob offers a bigger body to serve as a speed-bump between Tuna and your QB, as well as a possible WR and DB. From that point it will be a WR free-for-all. The Marcelli brothers will come next, followed by John Crooks, at the least to make me angry. Scratch that, only to make me angry. The draft will close with the Tom, who dropped from #5 to #12 when Cottom and Tuna walked on to Pritchard, followed by everyone’s favorite prison guard and Facebook personality Tony, the elder Hart, Sean “Crock-Pot” Kelly and Joe “Freon Bomb” Simcox.
Now, since the Turkey Bowl is an open forum to anyone who has ever played in it, I may have stretched the list of "wildcards" a bit, for entertainment purposes. Tony could be working a 16-hour double shift on Thanksgiving, we’ll be sure to check The Book to verify, John “PBJ” Crooks could, very likely, be getting another tattoo at RC’s or working one of his three jobs, and even I may be unable to attend if my shingle-giving child enters the world at an inopportune TFL moment. Then again, the ‘once a member, always a member’ bylaws could allow the return of some forgotten souls; you never know when Joe Doubet may show up with Bill Pohlig riding gun. Weirder things have happened.
With the big board pretty much summed up, let's take a look at some of the potential or, rather, likely, personnel.
Keith Cottom:
A Ridley resident now, Keith has been spending a lot of time in the township's Holmes section. Word is his off-season training regimen has been mostly comprised of posing with dead deer, wearing camo hats, and eating large amounts of Pat's Pizza cheesesteaks.
Chris Crooks:
He's 31, already had shingles, and is staring male-pattern baldness in the face. Enough said.
John “PBJ” Crooks:
aka Sven the Swede, aka Platinum Blonde John, aka Greg. John is a newcomer to this year's game. In addition to tattoos and Sweden, John enjoys vacuuming and storing his trash in the refrigerator.
Rich Dinofia:
Rich is getting ready for this year's Turkey Bowl by giving up cigarettes and WaWa Tea... just kidding. Polo Sport will be the official sponsor of Dinofia's TB XIV attire.
Tim Dougherty:
Tim is currently enjoying the joys of fatherhood with lovely wife Katie and new son Ben. In his free time he's fond of offering ridiculous fantasy trades and posting under aliases on the message board.
Sean Kelly:
Horse took a big step towards adulthood this past year as he leased an apartment with the love of his life, his crock-pot.
Mark Marcelli:
The younger Marcelli brother has had a big year; Mark found love at the Jersey Shore, wed, purchased a riding mower, and moved to Upper Dublin School District. He maintains his Ridley demeanor though by regularly shattering his iPhone and refusing to buy another.
Matt Marcelli:
Matthew has spent the off-season improving his abode on 7th Avenue. He recently added a fence to his pristine backyard and his house was even featured on an episode of Ghost Hunters after a spirit attempted to burglarize his home.
Rob Orio:
New to the TFL, Rob will be participating in his first ever Turkey Bowl. As long as he is active for more than 3 plays he will achieve the best opening performance by an Orio ever.
Tom Orio:
Tom recently purchased a home in the Clifton Heights section of Springfield Township. As it is with Tom, he also procured yet another interesting neighbor in his move. On a positive note, his trash and mail are always delivered and picked up promptly.
Mike Trill:
Trill has spent the off-season tutoring inner-city, at risk youth, fundraising for the NAACP, and even made a pilgrimage to Jerusalem to pray before the Western Wall.