Turkey Bowl VIII - Theoretical Matchups: Part Two
posted Tuesday November 20th, 2007 by Crooks

Back again to finish up our theoretical matchups for the greatest game ever played, much better than that stupid Shia LaBeouf movie/game about golf, Turkey Bowl VIII. Yesterday we had a chance to analyze a few interesting matchups that included games of Chinese Checkers and Flogging the Bishop, and places like Dan Gallo’s cave dwelling. Today we’ll finish up the final four theoretical matchups, and even have a special guest matchup between two former TFL patrons.

Tuna v. Trill
Venue: Chauncy the Chicken’s Grave Site
Activity: Pogo Sticking
Winner: Trill
Trill has home field advantage here. As a former quasi owner of Chauncy, Trill has familiarized himself with the cemetery in which Chauncy is buried. In addition to this, Trill ways less than 200 lbs., enabling him to land the Pogo Stick without denting the Earth.

Cottom v. Orio
Venue: London Bridge
Activity: Chutes and Ladders
Winner: Tom
This matchup most obviously goes to Tom. Over the years, Tom has hung out with some pretty sorry fellows and groups of people. Because of this, he has subjected himself to many Saturday nights alone with Shawn Boyle playing Chutes and Ladders. By doing this, he found a ladder that leads from Move 1 to the finish line.

DiNofia v. Bill
Venue: Cobra Kai Headquarters
Activity: Building a Lego City
Winner: Bill
For some reason this seems like something Bill would be good at. He just seems like one of those kids that would have built random Lego crap. Rich, on the other hand, seems like one of those kids that experimented with drugs.

Tony v. Hart
Venue: Notre Dame Carnival
Activity: Riding the Gravitron
Winner: Hart
Not including Cancer and Chuck Norris, the Gravitron has killed more Americans than anything else in history. Red and orange body hair is the only proven immunity to the Gravitron’s side effects. Hart is covered in orange and red; he’s the freakin mascot of autumn.

SPECIAL MATCHUP!!!

Matt Graff v. Sean Graff
Venue: Fair Acres Retirement Center
Activity: Being an Old Person Orderly
Winner: Sean Graff
I don’t know why I’m picking Sean over Matt here. All I know is that guy broke his leg during a Turkey Bowl and didn’t even want to go to the hospital. All he wanted to do was get high.