BNK Spells Bad Newz for the Sand People
posted Wednesday February 6th, 2008 by Crooks

Every year I sit down to write the recap of that year’s turkey bowl. Usually, it is done before February, but nobody’s perfect. This year, after the annihilation my team, the Sand Naggers, suffered on the field of battle; I decided to take things in a different direction.

But first, lets get to the important stuff. The scoreboard, which was a new edition this year, read 12-4 as the Bad Newz Kennels walked off the field. Shortly after (after their balls had dropped from their eye sockets to their sacs) the badly beaten Sand Naggers followed.

It was a record setting day on Thanksgiving. BNK had demolished the previous record for points scored in a single game by putting 12 up on the Naggers. The record was previously held by three different teams at 10 points. Prior to Turkey Bowl 8 ("The Ocho"), THC established the largest margin of victory in Turkey Bowl III at 6 points. Well BNK made it an ocho in "The Ocho" by beating the Naggers by 8. I use the word beaten lightly since it was a slaughter.

Records were also set by individuals. Sergeant Slaughter scored a record 5 touchdowns (4 offensive, 1 defensive) and captured Osama Bin Laden in the same day. Rich “The Raccoon” Dinofia’s 4 touchdowns in Turkey Bowl 7 ranks the closest to Sergeant’s performance. And look at this, not only did Tim Doc get a girlfriend, but he tied Mike Trill's single game TD passes record at 9 and was named MVP; Chim Choc fans everywhere went crazy. Back to my main man Sergeant... he also tied another one of The Raccoons records by making 4 of his touchdowns of the receiving variety. What a day it was for him and camouflage.

Counting touchdown passes, every player, including Tim Doc, scored. Even Tony got one, and Tuna was able to dodge a fisherman’s net for two scores. Matt Marcelli took three scores into the end zone, solidifying his lead in most touchdowns scored in TFL History, while Richie D took an interception to greener pastures.

On the other side of the ball, Paul Middleton had a hell of a game.

So, like I said, a different direction. Oh, you expected me to say more about the Naggers? No problem. They sucked. Ok, now that that is done, lets go where I’m taking you. Since this Turkey Bowl was such a shellacking, I decided to show some random people the score of the game and get their direct quotes just from observing the box score. Here they are:

• "What the hell is a Sand Nagger?" – Kevin Ellers
• "Is his first or last name Tuna?" – Keith Heinrechs
• "You let that p***y Laughlin play? And why doesn’t Morelli come buy some golf balls from me?" – Schnell
• "Doesn’t that Slaughter kid come and talk to our classes?" – Dave Summa
• "You guys are pathetic." – Doug Ellers
• “Tim Dougherty is your quarterback?" – Brian Thompson
• "It looks like the best player on SN was Paul Middleton. I thought that kid was dead." – Steve Namowhich