Protect Your Neck!! - Best of the Message Boards
posted Friday November 2nd, 2007 by Crooks

PART 1: 2007
As the Turkey Bowl draws near, the message boards, as usual, have really heaten up. Due to this "Hottness", one is left to wonder if the field is big enough for both these teams' huge attitudes and egos? I would have to say probably not, but not because of large attitudes and egos, but because Tuna, Keith Cottom, and Tim Dougherty-Gallagher are so girthy that they leave no room on the field for the rest of the competitors. But all jokes aside, the idea of the message board, which came many Turkey Bowls ago, has still proven to be the #1 way competitors choose to diss their opponents.

This year the "trash talk" began with the postings of "Cookie". Tom, calling himself "Tre", decided that after last year's horrible performance, he needed to start this season making a statement; a statement that was laughed at by the rest of the Turkey Bowl world. Evidently, Tom is such a funny target that numerous new topics on the board continued his execution through words. In addition to Tom, almost each Turkey Bowl member has suffered some sort of attack. Sergeant and Snapper have exchanged chatter, while Mark and Matt have put brotherly love aside to drop some bombs. Not posted, but provided to me from a confidential source, Matt apparently came at Mark hard and Mark returned with, "Your Mamma, Ugh Ugh" (making humping motions during the "Ugh Ugh" part). Matt replied with, "We have the same Mom idiot!" That must have been a good one.

Now to the point. Today is devoted to outlining the best and worst posts from this season. Let's start on a high note:

THE BEST OF THIS YEAR
Definitely the best post of the year was that of the best photo opp ever: Horse at the Pimps and Hoes Party. Wow, remember that? I heard that picture almost got on the cover of "Time" Magazine. Accompanying Sean's display of drunkenness was the Photoshop Contest. There were some awesome pics posted, including my favorite, titled "Double Stuff in Florida". Other front running photos include, as I have titled them, "School of Cock", "Rayer's Bloody Head", "Matt at Wedding Predicting the Future" aka "The Fall", and "College or Weed" aka "Which Road?". And, of course, who can forget the one Bill posted making fun of himself. We all know what I'm talking about.

THE WORST OF THIS YEAR
What the hell is going on with Rayer's "Big Announcement"? I know he is on my team, but just get to it already; the game is like in three weeks. I've got a big announcement and I'll tell everyone right now: YOU SUCK! ANNOUNCE THE DAMN THING ALREADY! Doc's got a big announcement too: "I'm out of the closet. It's time to tell you guys I'm actually straight." AWESOME! In addition to the "Big Announcement", "I love Street Hockey" kinda sucked. What the hell is that? You know that most programs have tools that can make perfect circles for you? Way to free hand that jersey. Back to the drawing board for you.

All and all, posts have been good. Not as many as in recent years, but quality over quantity is a good motto when it comes to the message board. Twenty bad zingers just take up space, but one great zinger is priceless. I look back to a zinger I made on Doc many years ago in South Carolina. I asked him how many golf balls he could fit in his anus. That doesn't really sound funny now, but it was great at the moment. A great zinger will last forever. Keep posting boys, your comments are not falling on deaf ears.

PART 2: PAST QUOTES
After I had finished writing PART 1, I realized that I had missed the most important aspect of the message board: THE DIRECT QUOTES!! So, I bring to you, the best quotes in message board history:

"Yo Trill you are so ugly it looks like u got hit with 2 bags of what the fuck! Thank you, bye bye." - Rich DiNofia

"Rayer - Fat as nuts." - Matt Marcelli

"Why are there two Tony's?" - Tom Orio (in reference to "School of Cock" Photo)

"Hahahahaha I get it Sergeant has the nose of a jew and so does Gonzo aaaahhhh hahahahahahaha! U stupid JEW." - Kevin Rayer

"I just wanted everyone to know that i am gay and i think about Sergeant all the time because he is the hottest guy i have ever seen." - Kevin Rayer

"I just want you all to know that I grunt at the gym so everyone can see how tan and buff I am." - Jon Hart

"My guess is that sexually confused deush bag named Mark." - Matt Marcelli (in reference to who will bleed first in TB VI)

"Mark Marcelli, Edgewood Elementary" - Mark Marcelli

"Doc > You" - Kanye West

"Coach Kelly, drunk from both victory and beer, was carried off the field, symbolizing not only his win as a coach, but his inability to walk off under his on accord." - Chris Crooks

"Shut the fuck up crooks you fuckwad. You suck at football." - New School

"Well X-Factor, this MUST be a metaphorical chip; because if it was a REAL potato chip you would have already eaten a long time ago." - Matt Marcelli

"Sucks that you couldn't go to the bar on your date. What did you guys end up doing? Just hang in and get some Funions & Mountain Dew?" - Mark Marcelli (asking Bill what he did on his date)

"Im Tom Orio, and I approved this message." - Tom Orio

"We're going to ball Cottom up like that fat kid in "Hook" and roll him all over you guys. . . . RU-FI-OOOOOOOOHHHHHH" - Chris Crooks

"I didnt know we had so many hunks in the TFL." - Sean Kelly

"Matt, you know if Steph saw you posting pictures of other girls she would slap you like a bitch!" - Sean Kelly

"With his lack of hair on top of his head he is more aerodynamic then ever. At the barnaby combine he ran a 4.4 40 yard dash. Think if he would be man enough to shave his head, he might break 4 seconds." - Dat Dude (talking about why Tony is legit)

"i'm not worried about doc's estrogen levels because his period will attract bears, that will in turn, maule the competition." - Chris Crooks

"Hey guys.... they dont have TFL in Florida.... can I play?" - Jim Entrican

"Take me to wherever the scoooooooops are!" - Mark Marcelli (in reference to making fun of Bill)