When I recieved an email from TFL Commissioner Matt Marcelli to write a post draft match-up article on this year's installment of the Turkey Bowl I figured same old same old; Old School vs. New School, not much to write about, but, to my surprise, I found that the TFL decided to try something a little different, and I couldn't be happier. John Lohn here for this year's coverage of pregame match-ups: Doc F*ckers vs. (for lack of a better name) Team Cottom.
Rosters, Oh Beautiful Rosters
The
Doc F*ckers bring in
John Hart,
Tony Laughlin,
Matt Marcelli,
Bill Pohlig,
Tom Orio,
Joe Doubet and
Rich DiNofia, while
Team Cottom rolls with
Keith Cottom,
Tim Dougherty,
Mark Marcelli,
Chris Crooks,
Sean Kelly,
Tuna Unpronounceable Italian Name and
Mike Trill. The draft procedure and stats can be viewed
here.
In the Trenches
What a matchup in the trenches this year: Tony and Hart vs. Tuna and Cottom (so much gurth. . . their combined weight is equal to Ridley Middle School legend Mr. Cuff).
The Barnaby's linemen are all familiar foes
It's hard to choose a winning side here. I'd believe that Tony and Hart would have the speed advantage, while Tuna and Cottom would have the strength advantage; plus, Tuna and Cottom's overall gurth is unparralleled. If Tuna and Cottom can keep the Doc F*ckers linemen infront of them then they should be fine, but if Tony and Hart can get to the outside then Team Cottom has problems. In either case, we're going to see some very large men grabbing each other's boobies and butts, trying to feel on some love handles. For some reason, i can just see the four of them ending up in women's underwear playing grab-ass in a pile of mud. Gotta love those boys.
The Pussies Wearing The Red Shirts: QBs
Now this is where the draft got really interesting. Team Cottom took both of the perenial quarterbacks: Tim Dougherty (once again, no relation to Shannen) and Mike Trill (whenever I hear "Trill" I always think of a fish for some reason), trying to leave the Doc F*ckers with nothing, but I believe those kids who do the f*cking of Doc have something up their sleeve.
| Touchdown Passes |
| Doc F*ckers | Team Cottom |
| R. DiNofia | 2 | T. Dougherty | 14 |
| B. Pohlig | 1 | M. Trill | 12 |
| 3 | 26 |
I recieved a call from Doc F*cker Bill Pohlig last night, "It's either me or Tommy at quarterback, and I've been practicing over the last week or so." In either case, nobody outside of Doc and Trill are tested quarterbacks (except maybe Middleton, but that really doesn't matter this year), so I'm going to have to give the advantage to Team Cottom. But watchout, to f*ck Doc you have to be pretty crafty, so if they can fit a penis in Doc's butt I'm sure they can come up with a QB.
Tall and Small, Fast and Slow: D-Backs and Recievers
Dinofia vs. Crooks, Marcelli vs. Marcelli, Doubet vs. Kelly, Orio vs. Trill/Doc, who knows who will be going up against who, but, however the match-ups fall, it should be pretty interesting.
Marcelli 1
The Doc F*ckers sport Richie D., Matt Marcelli, Joe Doubet, Tom Orio, and, depeding on the QB spot, Bill Pohlig. They'll face off with Crooks, Mark Marcelli, Sean Kelly, and either Mike Trill or Tim Doc (I don't know how the bionic knees are rolling these days, but I'm assuming that Mike Trill will be going out for passes).
Marcelli 2
I'd have to say that Mark Marcelli and Chris Crooks may be the fastest recievers, while Rich Dinofia is the quickest, Matt Marcelli may be the tallest, Bill Pohlig is reliable, Jou Doubet is just plain slow, Sean Kelly hasn't caught a pass since the 2000 Turkey Bowl, and Tom Orio is just plain untested in TFL play (he has played a different turkey bowl, but we all know that if it isn't TFL sanctioned then it is worth a pile of shit). It will be nothing less than interesting this year. Rich Dinofia may use his hypnotic facial hair and raccoon looking features to stop Crooks, while Matt Marcelli will be the fade man in the endzone, Mark Marcelli's huge calves could crack a walnut, Tom Orio may eat a double stuff. . . the possibilities are endless.
The Prediction
A game hasn't gone to the full ten points in some time now, so I'll give you the Lohn prediction on a 10 pt. scale and on a 5 pt. scale. Team Cottom 10, Doc F*ckers 8 OR Team Cottom 5, Doc F*ckers 4
LET IT BE KNOWN THAT IT CAN GO EITHER WAY, BUT I'M GOING TO BE BIAS TOWARDS ONE TEAM. . . CONSIDER THE SOURCE
